Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Just throw it away

I've been nesting really bad lately. I didn't really do much when I was pregnant the first time around, but it has seriously kicked in this time - and early! We had decided that we were going to keep the nursery as the "nursery" and bump Miriam to our 4th and final bedroom in the house - which meant that our "office/music room/exercise room/photography room/every other little thing room" needed transformation. So I got to cleaning in the closet and in the room, which led to cleaning other closets and other dressers and other rooms.  My motto: "just throw it away."

I got to the last dresser in Miriam's new room - which I had forgotten a little bit about.  In it were quite a few memories.  I pulled everything out, sat down in the middle of the floor and reread over 100 cards from friends, family, and church family members from February 2009 - that cold month. The month in which my life changed forever. The month I lost my dear, sweet mother.  As I was reading, I couldn't help the tears from flowing.  I hadn't spent a season in sadness over her loss in a while, so I guess it was about time...and not to mention the pregnancy making me cry even harder.   So many dear friends shared their hearts, their words of sympathy, and their faith in God.  For so many of them, the caringbridge site I kept up was such encouragement to them.  quite honestly, I have no clue how I manged to hold it together for all of those 22 months - see for yourself. But their cards of sympathy after her death seemed to warm my heart so.  I had stuffed them away in the drawer, hoping to never read them again - I just didn't want to relive that season of life.

So after I read each and everyone (and laughed at the cliches of Hallmark and American Greetings...) I put the cards back in a pile.  And then I threw them away.  I know it sounds harsh, and some of you may have kept things like this over time for encouragement and remembrance...but I didn't feel like I needed to do that.  Instead, I just threw it away.  At first I was angry at myself "Why on earth did I just throw away those memories?!"

Truth is, I threw away the cards, but I didn't throw away the memories.  I relive them each and every day.  Especially in these days of motherhood and impending motherhood.  I often think about mom, who she was and what she taught me (and didn't teach me).  There isn't a day that goes by that I don't miss her, but some days are just harder than others.  I don't have her to care for my sweet Miriam, or call when something interesting happens, or vent when J and I have had a "discussion," or any of that stuff. She can't help me when I need help, and she isn't there for me to make fun of.  But the memories are all still there. Vivid ones, at that. And I don't need sympathy cards to remind me of them.  So I just threw them away.


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