Thursday, February 17, 2011

I hate February.

I hate the month of February. I used to hate it because it was surrounded by hearts, conversational candies, and love.  It was always cold and depressing, especially when there was no one on the receiving end of my hearts, wasted money on candy and love. Well, I'm excited to say I no longer hate February for those reasons, but I've managed to rack up a whole new list of the top 3 reasons why I don't like February.
3. We make our determination on weather based on a mammal who comes out from a hole and either sees a shadow or he doesn't. Really glad he did (or he didn't?) - and now Spring is coming sooner than later - woohoo!
2. We have 7 family birthdays in the span of 28 days. Please tell me how I am supposed to keep that all straight? Not to mention fund the budget to afford not only the gifts, but the cards too!
And the number one real reason I hate February:
1.  There are 19 days that I relive so vividly now that I would honestly choose not to have ever experienced.  If you ask me, I can pretty much tell you what I was doing, what I was wearing, what I ate, and where I was on any of those days.  Truth is, it actually starts back in January.  See, on January 24, 2009, my life started to change drastically. Mom hit one of the lowest points in her illness, and from that day on, declined in her health to her death. She had a stroke, seizure, or something (it was never really determined/clarified).  You can read about everything for yourself at her caringbridge site if you'd like (but grab some kleenex, I can't make any promises for dry eyes!).  Not only are these past weeks difficult to remember, but these next 4-7 days are so bitter for my memory. I get a day like today and think "this was the last day 2 years ago that I heard my mother speak", or a day like tomorrow and think about the sounds of the machines and her moaning from all of the pain. It was hard to live in those moments, but it's even been harder to relive them. While we were in the moment, we all knew what we were up against. We were waiting, patiently, for her departure confidant of the Rest that she would find.  We had already grieved the loss of our mother/wife/nana/friend in the 22 months prior to her death.  But as we relive the days, it's a reminder of the reality that my mother is dead.

Many folks have their opinion of what year is the hardest. Some say the first, others say the 3rd. But so far, for me, it's definitely the 2nd. Having Miriam was certainly the biggest life change since mom's death (or ever probably!), and to have my daughter in life with me is sometimes difficult without having my mother around. The Lord surely knew what he was doing when he knit Miriam in my womb, giving her uncanny-like similarities to my mother. It's FREAKY how much she resembles mom every day.

Bottom line. On February 19,2009 at 2:51 p.m. my momma died. I held my mom's left hand and watched her breathe her last breath. No wonder I'm helping end the world drought this week through my tears! She's gone, and I can't bring her back. But for all of the reasons I hate February, I'm sure glad I have 19 days of it to remember her last days in life.


Susie said...

Your beautiful post brought tears to my eyes. It was one year ago this week that I lost my best friend. 42 years old. Stroke on Friday, little hope on Sat-Tues and gone on Wednesday. You are right about the moment. Even though it was horrible - we knew what was coming. But reliving it in private a year later - well - it is hard. I pray blessings on you (I don't know you - but God does) and peace for your heart.

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