Sunday, March 11, 2012

It's time I'm honest

It has been one heck of a month! Of course, the most exciting thing has happened, and we've welcomed our sweet little Lydia Elise into the world...but the past 4 weeks have reeked havoc on my life and stability.  I've been hiding it all in and now it's time to write it out so that one day (hopefully in the nearer future than far) I can look back and giggle at my silliness. But for now, this is real.  Don't ever joke about post partum depression - it's legit!  I think I've been compartmentalizing all of my worries, anxieties, fears, doubts, and sadness - which I don't know if that's psychologically the best thing or not, but here's what's been going on.
1. I quit my job - this should sound awesome, and it is, but it's a little odd too. After 8 years of full time employment (and 7 of those being in one place), I no longer have those solid responsibilities to hold on to. Instead, I've got a new world of "who knows what" roles and up in the air needs 24/7.  After I had Miriam, I knew I had something stable to return to. Now, what I'm doing is what I will be doing.  I'm super thrilled to be doing it...I'm just not sure how to do it - and that scares me.
but on the flip side, the other day (AFTER I was released from all of my responsibilities), I was taking the girls to preschool and had a panic attack just THINKING about how it all works to get both girls ready, to preschool, then tackle the work - I just don't know how people do it and the thought of having to do it scared me even more than not having to do it!
2. I was put on bed rest at 28 weeks and was unable to play and love on sweet Miriam for more than half of my pregnancy - I feel like we both were jipped out of all of the fun: her growing up, playing outside, running errands with mommy, those last "mommy and me" moments, then you add all of the difficulties, worries, and uncomfortableness of a weak body enduring a difficult pregnancy.  I will never get that time back with Miriam, nor experience that pregnancy again. I certainly wasn't able to take advantage of it all - and that makes me sad.
3. My baby was born at 33 weeks and suffered severe respiratory distress and spent weeks in the NICU - I don't care how well she did for her age, and what she didn't have to go through - it was still rough to birth your baby in a minute, then have them whisked away because they weren't breathing, then see them on machines, tubes, and all wrapped up in cords. It makes your stomach sick. Every day was a roller coaster, up and down, and still is with concerns with her breathing, heart murmurs, and baby habits. Nothing was easy about that experience - and that gave me horrible anxiety.
4. We remembered mom on her 3rd anniversary "death day on Feb 19.  It was on a Sunday and J and Miriam were at home while I spent the day at the hospital.  It was the hardest day yet - my boobs hurt from engorgement, my husband had forgotten what the day was, and I was caring for my baby in the hospital who will never see her "heaven nana."  There have since been way too many times I've wanted to call mom in just the past 3 weeks and share what's going on with Lydia because I know she would have cared, and she would have rescued me from the sleepless nights...but she isn't here anymore, and that makes me sad.
5.  Lydia grunts - A LOT! - and this causes lack of sleep for me.  She sleeps great, and when she grunts she only seems a little uncomfortable. But for me, I can't concentrate enough to focus to tune it out to fall asleep. To function off 2-3 hours of sleep, and an hour nap on days I can get it, makes it hard to deal with everything in and of itself. and that makes me tired.
6. Miriam has a love/hate relationship with her younger sister - we have to "hide" Lydia a good bit when it's time to play with Miriam. She loves the BABY, but likes to cover the baby up (smother her with the blanket), play with the baby (try to pick her up by her clothes like her baby doll), feed the baby (throw her cup in the bassinet while baby is sleeping and hit her on the head), and loves to burp the baby (pelt the baby with as much force as she can). So, we spend a lot of energy saying "no touch" and teaching her how to interact with the baby...but some days it's just easier to separate them.  I love that Miriam wants so much quality time with Lydia, but it puts me on edge thinking about what can happen the instant I turn my head - and that gives me horrible anxieties too.
7. I'm not pregnant anymore - which means all of those good feeling lovin life hormones are making their exit out of my body at a ridiculously rapid pace. This is throwing everything in a tail spin and who knows what emotions I really am feeling.  Some people take medication to be chemically balanced...I'm pretty sure that if I could be perpetually pregnant, I'd be chemically balanced. So when I'm not pregnant, I'm so in a bagillion different directions! - and that means I had to take medication.

There. The reasons why I may have seemed a little standoffish in these last weeks (other than the fact I was just busy), and the reasons I remind myself of why I need something to help sedate me in those panicky and down and out moments. I know this is just a season, and I'm trusting that the Lord provides a way out and manners to deal with all of it so I can return to life and not be so caught up in the worries!


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