It's all your fault!

It's been almost 3 years and I'm still grieving.  There are so many cycles to that process, and I've been seeing them lived out in other people in similar situations, and I'm experiencing even myself, especially during this season.  It's a known fact that anger is part of that process...and a lot of times, it's anger directed at someone totally irrelevant to the situation...when it really is anger directed toward the lost one. 

Surely, in my time, my anger has been displaced on too many people and too many things since March 2007.  and for that, I deeply apologize.  But lately, in all of my thinking, my anger finally found its way to the appropriate source - mom herself.
It's all her fault. No, really, it is.

Had she not passed, she'd be a stay at home grandmother, caring for my daughter, my two nieces, and soon to be her new granddaughter.  Neither my sister nor me would have to worry about this whole childcare ordeal, and we'd have that crazy Nana loving on our kids.....
Had she not passed, she and dad would still be living in the house where I grew up...which, has made quite a few cosmetic changes in these last months - almost as if it doesn't even feel like that home I once knew (which is totally fine that dad and Brenda are making it their own...they should and it needed it - and it's looking great...it's just different)....
Had she not passed, I wouldn't have difficulties putting the Jim Shore Santas out for display (and I wouldn't have 6 when I used to only have 2).....
Had she not passed, the ornaments on the tree that once meant so much to her wouldn't make me cry every time I see them.....
Had she not passed, we wouldn't be taking our family pictures and having such a missing gap in them....
Had she not passed, we'd be listening to Carpenters and Elvis Christmas music non-stop.....
Had she not passed, I wouldn't be going to the jewelers today to pick up a resized wedding band of hers to now call my own...
It's all her fault.

And now that I've had my brief moment of selfish humanity and vented my anger...
Had she not passed, I wouldn't have the joy of seeing my sweet Miriam look at pictures of her Heaven Nana" and grin from ear to ear...
Had she not passed, I wouldn't know the joy of experiencing a lost one, knowing their in the arms of our Heavenly Father....
Had she not passed, I wouldn't keep the memories that I hold so dear close in my heart...
Had she not passed, I'd be angry at her for something really stupid, like wearing all black (but in 5 different shades) or buying too many boxes of cordial cherries....
Had she not passed, I would be further away in understanding that "The Lord works for the good of those that love Him and who are called according to his purposes...."

Although I say it's her fault, it really is the Lord's will - for some reason - for me to walk through this life from this point on without my own blood mother by my side, helping me and encouraging me as I become a mother myself.  I miss her greatly - especially in these days - and that grieving still hasn't reached its end. 

Praying for peace in this season for me and my family, and for my dear friends The Leathers, The Whites, The Kimbrells/Phillips, and the many others experiencing loss, grief and anger in this season, maybe for the first time at Christmas.  It's not easy, and it's more than hard, but there is purpose out of it. Although we don't know and understand that purpose, we're called to trust our Father, for he knows our needs.