Fear

I have had a good bit of fear these days - really ever since the beginning of the pregnancy - for several reasons:
1. My family has a history of 2nd pregnancy miscarriages
2. I have a history of preterm delivery
3. I have no clue what happens after you birth a 2nd child and you're a full time working mother.

Each day, I have had to take in stride, and in faith, lay over my fears.  It's the easiest way for the Enemy to attack me, and I am so vulnerable that I succumb to all of the worries that can accompany the process of pregnancy.  We praise God for the healthy growing baby girl in my belly, and especially today as I reached 24 weeks - a big milestone: VIABILITY.  Not that I'd want to deliver Lydia before the new year begins, but at least she's far enough along, and our medical world is far enough along, that she'd have a great chance of survival out of my womb.  That's definitely comforting and reminds me to give all praises to God for his continued promises in our life.

As for post-delivery, and what happens...this is what it looks like: ?????????

I really don't know how it works, with two children under 2.  I had a great deal worked out when Miriam was a baby. I was able to have her with me until she was 4 months old, then I put her in a church preschool literally across the corner from my church and was able to nurse her freely. Then, she had at home care.  This year, we're back at the same preschool because I absolutely love it, and a sweet lady from the church (who also happens to be the wife of our doctor...) picks Miriam up most days and keeps her for the afternoon so I can work away.  And then, on most Mondays, Tuesdays, and some Thursdays, I have night meetings which we rotate Nana and Papa if Jeremy can't be home.  On a rare occasion, I'll have to pay for a sitter, or forgo my meeting. It's been fairly workable, and we've certainly learned to manage all of the running around, and take advantage of the 1-2 hours/day that I actually do get to spend with her.  We've spent over $800 a month in childcare for her alone and that's CHEAP comparatively.
But emotionally, how do I handle that with another infant? I'm doubtful that our current plan can be arranged for adding in our addition, and switching to a full-time day care is going to be so costly.....
and when I start to think about all of this, I almost hyperventilate. I get so worked up emotionally and financially that I just have to stop and think about something else.
I remember the first moment that the Lord clearly put the desire for #2 in our hearts about this time last year. I remember the excitement, the joy, the adventure....but I didn't think ANYTHING about those 3 fears. It was certainly a "blissful" state, but all we knew and cared about was the growing of our family. That was all that mattered.  It didn't matter at the time the risks of me carrying (or not carrying) another child, it didn't matter about what would happen to our lives after the child was born.  But here we are, and I'm scared as can be.

Lately, I've been clinging to one of those "go to" verses from Proverbs: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding. In all of your ways submit to him and he will make your path straight." 

In my fear,
I'm learning to trust with all my heart - just as I did in those first moments/days/weeks of pursuing a 2nd child...
I'm learning to lean on the Lord's understanding, even as I don't understand it, and not fall to the temptation of understanding the ways of life in my own terms
I'm learning to submit to him - even if it involves taking a risk that leaves me without a sense of security in this world.
I'm learning that my paths are completely ragged, confused, and even misguided when I don't trust, lean and submit.

Praying the Lord takes the fear away every moment of every day for me and for you.