Tuesday, August 3, 2010


Right now, I sit in the dark, and listen to the sounds of Brahams, Dvorak, and Debussy - classical lullabies that are so soothing to my little angel. Did I mention - I have a little angel. I still can't believe it! I mean, we knew we were expecting - but not so soon! The due date was set for August 18th - and I was almost hoping for a late baby. Five days after that would have been mom's 57th birthday. How neat it would have been for Miriam to share her special day with her special Nana?!

Well, that's not how it ended up! On July 10th, we welcomed little Miriam Ruth into the world at a whopping 5 lbs 8 oz and 19 inches at 2:50 in the afternoon. We were quite shocked at the way everything unfolded, but it did all with the Lord's provisions. The labor wasn't too strenuous, and the delivery was short and painless. After the excitement, this is what greeted us:

The past 3.5 weeks have certainly been a roller coaster for us - 5 days in the NICU, back and forth to the hospital on an almost daily basis for heel pricks to test her bili levels, 10 days on the bili blanket, and frequent doctor visits. I mean, I knew this whole parenting and motherhood thing would be difficult - but I don't think I was prepared to mother a preemie. There are so many differences and exceptions to the rules when it comes to premature babies. And mine definitely has a mind, schedule and personality of her own. She is truly a gift and we're enjoying every waking moment - as there are far more than sleeping moments :)

I keep saying "if mom were here, (this that or the other) would be a certain way" "if mom were still here, she'd have retired to watch Miriam so I could go back to work"...or "if mom were still here, she'd be over to visit every night" etc. I miss that mom isn't around. I feel like I cheated us both in some ways - she never got to see me pregnant, or meet her granddaughter, and I never got to experience her as Nana with my children. And too, there's the confusing responsibility of explaining to Miriam one day that she has 2 Nanas - one that is living, and one that she'll meet someday later on.

The night Miriam was born, I had a dream - the most vivid dream, and only one of 2 EVER since mom's passing. I was sitting with mom by her bedside in a hospice type place (that had a nursery too - which is where Miriam was). I was telling her all about Miriam's birth and all about her and mom was totally with everything. Then I got a call from a nurse telling me that I needed to come and feed Miriam. So I got up, and left to go to the nursery and went to feed Miriam. Upon my return, I saw mom again, in that same bed, but in the condition she was moments before her actual death. It was like I knew what was coming, but for some reason I thought I could stop it. I called out for the nurses to come, but no one even acknowledged it. Then mom passed - again. It was the most bogus dream ever. It was like I had the opportunity to share all about our sweet girl and was confident that mom knew all about her. And then she departed again.

Now that I am a mother, I long for mine so much. There are so many women in my life who are wonderful to me, and now to my daughter - but my how I miss you Mom!


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