Friday, February 19, 2010

February 19

"This is the day the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24

"Writer's block" doesn't come naturally to me. Until today. I dreaded reaching this day for the past few weeks. I have relived almost every moment that I can recall of the days leading up to mom's death and some have been comforting, while others have been quite disturbing. I remember the sounds that were made when mom had a hard time breathing....I remember the way mom's eyes looked while she lay so still in her bed....I remember the vivid memory of mom's last breath - and it's shuddering to relive.

I went to visit mom's grave today for probably the 3rd or 4th time since her death. It's not something I like to do on a regular basis. This morning, I took 5 yellow roses (at mom's burial, all of us were given yellow roses to keep in her memory. we dried them and now I have one in a shadow box in my house, so the yellow roses have some meaning for us). The five were for me and sis, her two children, and my child to be. They were beautiful, and ridiculously expensive. But at least they were beautiful.

I rested them on the grave and wept, but only for a moment. For when I looked up and started taking pictures with the sunlight beaming through, I was drawn to the mom's favorite verse from Psalms that she quoted through her season of suffering. It was too dificult to weep any longer. I was rejoicing that after Feb 19, 2009, mom never had to suffer another day.

Dad and I traveled to GA today to be with my sister, Jeff, Grace and Sarah. Tomorrow we will celebrate with Grace for her recent 7th birthday. On our way down, I was anxious the entire time....not wanting to see the clock turn 2:58 p.m. And thankfully I didn't. Since we've been here, we haven't been sobbing as I thought we would. Instead, we've been enjoying all of our time together, laughing, playing with the kids, and just hanging out.
I can't even begin to share what all has happened in the past 365 days. I'm sure you can imagine - from births in the family, to new pregnancies, to job opportunities...and of course the heart issues. But in all, a year has indeed past, and we have proved to live life - although differently, with pieces of loss and sadness, excitement and joy - we have lived. Praise be to God for giving us breath each and every new day.
"This is the day the Lord has made, I WILL rejoice and be glad in it."


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